Why I’ve been in the hospital and why I’m still grateful

June 25, 2021

Today, I’m grateful for: Surrender

Those following along at home know how challenging the last few months have been, but for those who have reached out wondering what’s up, here‘a a taste:

To say this pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. From early bleeding to sporadic hormone levels, this little gal has been throwing us for a loop since the beginning. But around April, things started to get more complex. At our 20-week anatomy scan, I was diagnosed with complete placenta previa, which, if goes unresolved, can pose serious risks to mom and baby. However, given that I was only halfway through my pregnancy, I was told not to worry about it too much, and we would reassess in 8-weeks with another ultrasound to see if the placenta had moved.

Well 7.5 weeks later in the middle of the night, I experienced my first bleeding “episode”. A common symptom for mothers with placenta previa. I was sent to labor & delivery at 1 in the morning and was ultimately admitted to the hospital. They monitored baby, who thankfully was looking great, and also gave me steroid injections to help progress the development of baby’s lungs in the event she needed to be delivered immediately.

A quick Google search of “complete placenta previa” will lead you to all of the scary complications that can happen with this condition (pre-term birth, hemmhoraging, placental abruption, hysterectomy…just to name a few) which is why they take every precaution, including trying to accelerate baby’s development to prepare for an early birth, just in case. So I spent a few days in the hospital getting steroids and being monitored to ensure I and baby were both stable. Luckily, I was able to return home with strict orders to limit activity and no lifting.

About two weeks passed and we started to feel like we were in the clear when suddenly, another bleeding episode, and this time, worse. Another rushed trip back to L&D led to all the pokes, prods and unglamorous protocols that come with being on bedrest. I was admitted again and held for monitoring for a full 7-days to ensure baby and I were stable. Luckily, again, I was stabilized and able to return home.

Which leads us to now. I am 32-weeks pregnant today. Our sweet girl is 32-weeks grown, and we are cherishing every single day we get to spend at home as a family, awaiting her arrival, and letting her continue to grow. Assuming I am able to remain stable, she will be delivered on August 2nd at about 37 weeks. They will not let me go past this time because the risks to mom and baby are too significant. *Cue Google search*

The volume of emotions and challenges influencing our family right now are significant. Personally, I am battling the processing of past birth trauma, grief for the VBAC and birth experience I so longed to cultivate, fears of birth and having major abdominal surgery (again), fears of the extreme outcomes and what that might mean for the future of our family, fears for the fragile and weak state of my body and the added challenges that will bring during recovery, frustrations of bedrest and not being able to be the mother I want to be for our son (what I wouldn’t do to scoop him up and hug him tightly to my chest right now…), not being able to support our family dynamic and play the roles that I normally do in our home (I’ve never WANTED to be able to do housework so badly in my life), guilt of having to lean so heavily on my husband and our family to keep us (and our household) afloat, grief for the summertime and the new experiences we’d planned to cherish with our son in our few final months as a family of three (Going to the zoo? Cubs games? The pool?…all things that seem so insignificant on the surface, but mean so much more when you can’t have them.)

At the same time, I feel immense gratitude for each day. Every morning that I wake up safe with my sweet baby still growing, I pull another link off my paper chain with gratitude knowing it is another milestone getting us closer to her ideal delivery date. Another day spent in the comfort of our home, and not rotting in the hospital alone. Another day I get to feel, at least in some ways, a part of our family, and for that, I am grateful. I’m also grateful for western medicine, and the ability to keep my baby safe, no matter what path we may take to get there. I’m grateful for a job that enables me to work from essentially anywhere in the world (including a hospital bed). And I’m so SO incredibly grateful for my support system. Friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, my doula, therapist, energy worker, and above all, my husband. It truly takes a village and I would not be able to do this without each and every person who has reached out, offered kind words and prayers, sent food or care packages, or simply loved on us from afar. From the depths of my heart, I thank you.

On this journey, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with myself, meditating in the madness of my own mind, listening, observing, reflecting…and I assure you, it is not an easy place to be. But I continue to find peace in surrender. I don’t have it all figured out. I still have many considerable moments of weakness and fear-fueled emotional meltdowns. But I always circle back only to just let it all go again. In throwing my hands up, I am grounded in peace. And I know these experiences are carving grooves in my SELF that will make me stronger, wiser, and a better mother, wife and friend. And if nothing else, leading me to becoming a stronger version of myself.

I share my heart with you in tribute to the mamas who aren’t able to share their voice yet. As a society, we don’t do enough to rise up the challenges of conception, pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum. And we certainly don’t do enough to support the women who endure and suffer through these moments, often in silence and feeling very, very alone. I believe that if you want to change the world, you have to take care of the mamas. So mama, if I can make you or any other mama feel seen, heard or, if nothing else, at least not alone, then THAT is something to be grateful for.

XO

SS