One Grateful Year

As I near the end of my commitment to One Grateful Year, I have been reflecting hard on what this past year has taught me. I, of course, NEVER could’ve imagined what the year was going to hold for me when I started this journey. I never could’ve anticipated the depths of the darkness that I would collide with, the wisdom that would come bursting out of the flames and all of the good, bad and ugly in between.

Through these experiences and practices, I grew. I grew mentally, emotionally, spiritually, professionally….This blog became a safe, space for honest soul-sharing, gratitude-practice and cathartic release. I got vulnerable...with myself and the world. I put the ugly right up front and let go of my expectations of what I *thought* this was all going to be about.

And I learned SO MUCH. About life. About myself. About the significance and importance of a gratitude practice. Some days were easy, but many days were HARD, forcing me to punch through that surface level, dig deep and think extra hard about what I truly had to be grateful for. My commitment to One Grateful Year brought that all to the surface every single day. In the end, I learned…

Gratitude is both a practice and a serendipitous feeling.

When it comes easily, that bliss of gratitude serendipity feels SO. GOOD. But on the tough days, it takes work. To peel back all the layers of bullshit and get to the raw, realness of what truly matters and why. This. Is. Not. Easy. Committing to a gratitude practice means indulging in the serendipity of the highs, and still doing the work to find hope, peace and gratitude in the lows.

Surrendering to what is brings peace.

On those tough days, my ability to surrender became a critical enabler of my gratitude practice. The knee-jerk reaction of my problem-solver mentality would sometimes lead me in circles searching for meaning or a way to “fix it”. But I was humbled by trial after trial leading (forcing?) me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. To sit with the unknown and surrender to whatever is meant for me. Surrender is not a relinquish of intention or desire, but an act of allowing what is already there to emerge. Surrendering, and accepting that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, created space to find gratitude, even on the toughest of days.

In this moment, I am OK.

Surrendering to what is allowed me to live in the present moment like never before. In surrender, there is no space for worries from the past or anxieties of future. These things have robbed me of the peace and joy right in front of me for too long. There were so many times in the last year I had to relinquish control and just be here, now. To let go of the knowingness, and hold onto the safety and trust built within. To take a deep breath, reach into my soul and say, “In this moment, I am OK….and that is enough.”

I am worthy of love.

…from others…from myself….from the world. For me, this meant giving myself permission to slow down and be patient with myself. To give myself grace and let go of the guilt and shame. To accept help and hold onto myself with the same compassion I offer up to others. To stop feeling like a burden and stop apologizing for being the recipient of love and support. To know that the village that showed up for me was there because they loved me and I am worthy of that love.

There are so many things to be grateful for that are often taken for granted.

This past year, I found the deepest gratitude for so many things that are often taken for granted. The ability to get myself up, walk around on two strong legs, be outside and breathe fresh air, drive a car, cook meals and take care of myself, to pick up my son, hold him in my arms and kiss him goodnight, to sleep in my own bed and enjoy the comforts of my own home, to be ALIVE, living and breathing in this beautiful life that we all have the opportunity to live…these privileges and so many more afforded to those with physical health cannot be taken for granted, and I am so SO grateful for the empathy and perspective this experience has shown me.

The mind is dangerously powerful.

I like to imagine the mind on a spectrum. On one end, a friend whom you lock arms with and charge toward the power, strength, positivity and go-forthness that empowers us to strive and thrive through the journey of life. On the other end, an enemy, dragging you down into the darkness, like a whale swallowing a mouthful of water…the vortex pulling you into the suffering, so abruptly and unforgivingly.

I’ve become intimately familiar with the depths of my mind in the past year, along all points of this spectrum. I’ve witnessed it’s incredible ability to offer me physical strength, mental stamina, happiness and ultimately, to stabilize my life when my physical body was failing. I also visited the deepest, darkest parts of myself that left me feeling broken and lost.

Buddha once said, “Pain is certain. Suffering is optional.”

The challenges of life are inevitable, and at any given point, we may find ourselves a little closer to one end of the spectrum or the other. But the point is, our place is never fixed. And I’ve learned that as long as we don’t give up, as long as we keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other, as long as we don’t get lost in the suffering, we will continue to be afforded the joys of life.

So….Do I have it all figured out now? Have I cracked the “code” of life? Has this blog given me the holy grail? ABSOLUTELY-FCKING-NOT. What I have found, though, are new tools and wisdom to help me navigate this journey we call life. To help me keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk with a peace, gratitude and compassion that comes from within. And when the going gets tough, I know I can be grateful.

What’s next for One Grateful Year? Stay tuned… :)

XO

SS